Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Confessions....

Throughout the day I think about so many things that I want to blog about - it's like a running commentary in my head. And then 8:30 rolls around. And I sit on the couch and look at the mess that surrounds me. And then I procrastinate by picking up my laptop and spend way too much time reading other people's blogs and checking my blockbuster queue. I finally decide that perhaps I'll post something and then I have to remember what the heck I actually thought about five hours ago that was worth posting online.....

Something I was thinking about today was confessions. I happened upon a blog where a mom listed ten confessions - mostly about parenting and personal flaws/habits - things you don't want to admit, but when you do you find that alot of people can relate with what you've admitted. So of course I started thinking about what my confessions would be and as I do the thought pops in my head "I couldn't include that... so and so would think badly of me/look at me differently." I have always struggled with the fear of rejection and on the flip side of that I always desire to be liked and accepted. Who doesn't to some extent? But I think that I often allow those fears and desires to change who I am. To some people I might be willing to share my dirty laundry because I know that they probably match me with their own! With others, so many people that seem kinder, more virtuous, more attentive to their children, better housekeepers, more spiritual, more disciplined, I tend to edit myself and perhaps not reveal who I am and what I struggle with and how often I clean the bathroom. :) With a blog you can't control who reads it so I either edit myself for everyone, or allow everyone see "the good, the bad, and the ugly" (stolen from Clint Eastwood and the women who's blog I read earlier). It's silly and I know that God doesn't want me to be fearful of other's rejection or acceptance. I know that His desire is that I would worry less about what people thought of me and instead bring my flawed, internet obsessed, dirty house, lazy, selfish, lack of discipline-d self before His feet and just rest in His love.

All that over a silly list of confessions. I mean it shouldn't be hard to admit that I only shower when I really need to (ouch, that was tough to write and I'm being vague enough to let you draw your own conclusions.) and that when I was in a weekly women's Bible study I would cram a whole week's worth of lessons into the night before (well, I did have a 20 month old and a newborn last year - not sure about my excuse when it happens again this year!) or that sometimes I sit and read a book while my kids play around me because I don't feel like playing. After typing these I want to delete them because I don't want my friends thinking I am less of a Christian or stinky (OK, sometimes I'm stinky!), or a bad mother. But I'll be brave and I'll post this. And maybe in a few days I'll be braver and post some more confessions - and maybe some of you will too....

5 comments:

Karen G. said...

just this evening i confessed to some very nice people that i didn't know very well how little i shower. i love who you are, megan, don't change it. and i'm all about reading a book if the kids are happy by themselves. it's better for them, i'm sure...

BethK said...

megan,

if you've been keeping up with my blog you know i am all about confessions :)

you know, confessing means we feel like we are acknowledging some sin or guilt we feel over something...don't let things like how often you shower or reading while your kids play be something you feel guilt over...feel the freedom to be real about who you are, besides, in eternity how clean your bathrooms are isn't going to matter anyway (thank goodness for me too!)--in any case, i think it's good to know you aren't the only one out there and while i quite often *edit* myself for fear of who might read my blog, the more i am doing it, the less that happens and the more easily i am able to share who i am--you should too--keep it up, you help us all feel more normal than you might think

Erin said...

Megs,
Oh my gosh! i don't know if we read the same blog or not (Crunchy on the Inside?) but i was thinking the same exact thing! If you're brave enough, though, i guess i can be... check up on me later.
Erin

nay said...

megan, thank you for your post (as a sidenote, you could totally write a novel - you have a gift for writing), i commend you for your confessions. it's good for all of us to do that as well as read the confessions of others... it keeps us in check. i have always considered you so humble and "real." those are a few of the MANY beautiful qualities i love about you! i wish you could come over right now and look at my house (i know you think i usually have a clean house, but NOT today!!), look at my messy bathroom and smell my armpits (not really) - because i'm stinky!! maybe i'll take pictures for you. you are such an amazing mother and i'm so glad i can ask you for advice so much of the time. let me encourage you with this:
every time i don't feel like working out i think to myself, "megan is so disciplined, i should do it!" .... or.... i feel lazy because i didn't plan my meals for the week and have no idea what i'm feeding my family i think, "megan probably has gormet meals planned!"... or... i wish i read more...."like megan..." so, there you go - i definitely look up to you. ohhh - and you KNOW i'm right there with you on cramming a week's worth of bible study homework into one night! :)
I LOVE YOU!!!

Cindy said...

I willnow have to add a confessions blog to my own site because of the fact that there are so many of us out there moms who aren't sure of who and what we are and doing. Are our kids okay, their driving me crazy so I need to escape to a book, is that okay or does it make me a really bad mom? AHHHHH the questioning and lists are endless. I too have really bad bathrooms, I can't remember the last time I took a real shower, the five minutes to wet my hair don't count. I have been trying hard with my little house to keep it clean but the Gilmore Girls web site was calling to me today. COnfess away Megan we seem to all be right there with you.

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